For The Sake of Saving Myself

today i've realized that the only thing this is about
is truly believing that I deserve to be treated a certain way.
As long as I hold on to this, and see things this clearly,
i won't have anything left to hold on to.

I spent so much time wishing for things to somehow change.
for things to get better or get worse.
for you to disappear or
for me to have the strength to run away.

fighting you
and your demons
was never my job,
and u shouldn't have hurt me so much in the process
of turning yourself into an unrecognizable mess of a man.

all the lies and the pain
that you brought into my life
just seem so utterly pointless.

so much of this could have been avoided.

why did i wait for you?
why did i need you to change things?
Where was my strength?
why did i hope?

today, the questions i ask arent about you.
they are about me.
they are about everything
that i should have already found the answers to,
had i not been so afraid.

the wounds are healing.
the tears stopped flowing long ago.

what's left is a mess.
a mess that seems almost impossible to explain.
a mess i thought i would have to hold together til the day i died.

but today is the day i CHOOSE
not to do anymore for you
or because of you.

today i decide
that my only worry in the world
shouldn't be whether you got your dick wet
by some OTHER girl with no self worth
but about where my life is supposed to take me
where i'm going to push myself