today i've realized that the only thing this is about
is truly believing that I deserve to be treated a certain way.
As long as I hold on to this, and see things this clearly,
i won't have anything left to hold on to.
I spent so much time wishing for things to somehow change.
for things to get better or get worse.
for you to disappear or
for me to have the strength to run away.
fighting you
and your demons
was never my job,
and u shouldn't have hurt me so much in the process
of turning yourself into an unrecognizable mess of a man.
all the lies and the pain
that you brought into my life
just seem so utterly pointless.
so much of this could have been avoided.
why did i wait for you?
why did i need you to change things?
Where was my strength?
why did i hope?
today, the questions i ask arent about you.
they are about me.
they are about everything
that i should have already found the answers to,
had i not been so afraid.
the wounds are healing.
the tears stopped flowing long ago.
what's left is a mess.
a mess that seems almost impossible to explain.
a mess i thought i would have to hold together til the day i died.
but today is the day i CHOOSE
not to do anymore for you
or because of you.
today i decide
that my only worry in the world
shouldn't be whether you got your dick wet
by some OTHER girl with no self worth
but about where my life is supposed to take me
where i'm going to push myself
Im so sick of wishing for my life to begin.
I know what I want. I know exactly what I want. And i won't take anything less. and that's what's going to kill me.
I already know that my past is my past for a reason. I know I won't be going back. As much as i wished for some things, I know that they'll never be real. not the way i want.
imagination is a beautiful thing until life creeps up and shatters everything you've ever built. but we live and we learn. we move on. we make new plans. being jaded just seems like a sad means to an end. like giving up on all the things you thought could one day be real.
but what's worse? being jaded or being a lovesick fool? i can't say i've figured that part out yet. cuz being a fool for love, being a fool for him, it was the only thing i've ever let myself have. i never believed i could have been so disappointed.
damn what a ride it all was. what a way to destroy my life. and even worse, was being the only one that even cared that it was falling apart...
watching him come back with his sad excuses. his half assed apologies. his careless promises of what might still be. all of it is enough to drive someone insane.
it's just enough not to shut him out forever, but it could never be enough to take him back.
I just dont understand you sometimes
The things you say and do.
None of your words add up to any action
and I don't think I've got more time for you
There's someone else, but that you know
and he's better than you
never thought it could be so
and that in itself leaves questions for me
of why i ever thought we'd be?
Every day I think of something else I might want to say to you. I think about everything that happened. I think of every lie you told. And fact is, it's every reason I will never speak to you again.
I find it kind of sad that you have to come at me all pissed off, calling me a cunt or whatever else you think might hurt my feelings. Honestly, are we still in high school? You do realized I dont actually give a fuck what you call me, right?
And the threats... the threats are just as entertaining. Because we both know they don't mean a damn thing to me.
I'm not sure what has made you act as pathetic as you have been lately but i DO know that i am ridiculously excited to have been the one to let go of all of this bullshit. And, while I'm sure I won't be thinking about you for much longer, I get the feeling that that won't hold true for you.
Do you know why I'm not bitter, you sad little man? Do you realize what kind of a person you tried to bring down to your level? Have you even asked yourself a SINGLE question since I left you behind? Unfortunately, I already know the answers. I already know that you are too terrified to escape from your own misery. You're so afraid of what life might be like that you hide from yourself. You hide from the person you've become.
And all the girls you need to make you feel like a man. How hollow that must be. How lonely you must really be inside of there. Yet, too dumb and too stubborn to realize any of it.
Please, don't be insulted that I'm finally happy again. Don't try to bring me back down into your sad little pit of teen angst and despair. You're supposed to be a 25 year old man. Not a boy that cries for help every time I make you face who you've become
It's enough to make me crazy
I've spent the last two days wondering why the fuck I even miss you. But god I'd love to see you. It might be worth the pain.
All this yelling and fighting is the same it's always been. Me digging at your heart, trying to find the hole you buried it in. You needing someone strong enough to stand up and fight. But all I am now is a tired little soldier. Battlescarred and bloodstained. Tired from the fight.
All you have to do is raise your white flag. Let me know you're ready to let go. Let me know you're ready to give in. Stop hiding behind the other women. The ones you know aren't good enough. I've talked to them. Met some of them. And they're all the same. Just pawns in this sad little game.
In a game with no winners, what's it all about? What is it you're looking for? The need for salvation or self preservation? Who can find any of that when you can't even find the truth?
And I've asked, shit, I've begged. I've given you everything I could. I gave til I lost myself somewhere inside of you. After all of that, we're still connected somehow. The world's cruel little joke is that YOU had to be the one I picked. The one I wanted more than anything. It's a shame it felt so good when I believed you wanted me back.
But now, those feelings, just like your words, they aren't allowed to mean anything to me. But every trickle, every drop of you that seems to fall into my life is one more thing to wrap up in my memory of you.
And I ask myself what all of it means. Why I can't stay angry at you. Why I wish we hadn't walked away. Why you never had the guts to fight for me. Hell, even fighting for yourself would have been worth something.
If this is all you want to mean to me then why waste your time crawling back? We both know I'll run just as fast as I did before.
Self preservation isn't quite so overrated anymore, my dear. And just because you know how to look at me to make me forget about all your wrongs, doesn't make this right. It doesn't make us right.
There was a time I'd have given anything to have you to myself. Now, I've decided to give you up if it means I get to keep myself.
We both know you aren't the best. It's a shame too. that wasn't always the case, "sweetness"
