For The Sake of Saving Myself

Im so sick of wishing for my life to begin.

I know what I want. I know exactly what I want. And i won't take anything less. and that's what's going to kill me.

I already know that my past is my past for a reason. I know I won't be going back. As much as i wished for some things, I know that they'll never be real. not the way i want.

imagination is a beautiful thing until life creeps up and shatters everything you've ever built. but we live and we learn. we move on. we make new plans. being jaded just seems like a sad means to an end. like giving up on all the things you thought could one day be real.

but what's worse? being jaded or being a lovesick fool? i can't say i've figured that part out yet. cuz being a fool for love, being a fool for him, it was the only thing i've ever let myself have. i never believed i could have been so disappointed.

damn what a ride it all was. what a way to destroy my life. and even worse, was being the only one that even cared that it was falling apart...

watching him come back with his sad excuses. his half assed apologies. his careless promises of what might still be. all of it is enough to drive someone insane.

it's just enough not to shut him out forever, but it could never be enough to take him back.